Living with Strong-Willed Children

AAP	Association for the Advancement of Psychosynthesis

by Joann M. Anderson, M.A., C.M.H.C.

Understanding strong-willed children comes from extensive observation—and experience with children of all ages.

For example, there was a strong-willed four-year-old boy we'll call Derek, whose mother told him to pick up his toys. Derek planted his feet well apart, put both hands on his hips and said, "I don't come from the same place you do, Mother, and where I come from I don't have to pick up my toys."

His mother replied, "You are right. You and I don't come from the same place. But you are here now and in this place you have to pick up your toys."

They stared at each other for a long minute before Derek's mother returned to having coffee with her friend. Derek finally picked up all of his toys without further comment.

This incident was one I observed personally while visiting Derek's mother. Strong-willed children often demonstrate a clear sense of who they are and what they "know" to be right. It takes a clear-thinking adult to allow them to develop well. Derek's mother modeled this well.

Some of the strong-willed children I've observed have also developed their skillful will, but few of them have developed their good will or their transpersonal will. There's a lot at stake in helping these growing children so they control their desires and wants—and not vice versa.

... The remedy ... should be sought in two directions: the simplification of ... external life, and the development of ... inner powers." (Assagioli, 1973, p. 4.)

Over the last four years as a full-time grandparent of an unusually strong-willed granddaughter, I have been thrust into the schools and community activities with hundreds of children and their parents. I have been shocked at the way most of these children are being parented. They are frequently born to middle-class families with loving parents who indulge them—indulge their desires and wants. This creates dysfunction and, at times, disaster.

The myth by which loving parents of strong-willed children seem to live, is that you cannot set limits (i.e., use the parent's strong will) and love a child at the same time. This is totally false. Parents need to develop—and use—their own adult strong will, skillful will, and good will in order to help each their children to use their developing skillful and good will.

The Culture of the Will is a social culture. Psychosynthesis offers a focus on the multiple aspects of the will. In other words, more than civilizing strong-willed children we are socializing strong-willed children. In order to create what Assagioli called a Culture of the Will, it becomes essential to teach our strong-willed children how to be a constructive part of the social structure in their family, religious community, school, country and world. That is, they need to be taught how to relate to other people skillfully and kindly. This may seem obvious, but how often do we see parents consciously doing this?

The first step is to recognize these children. What do they look like? What do they do? Here is a list of characteristics which I have observed in them.

Characteristics of Strong-Willed Children

Have you seen a strong-willed child barge into a toy store with one or both parents trying to catch up? When these children have an idea, they do plow ahead. They need to be taught self-restraint.

They tend to not communicate their ideas or plans to others. They simply get on with doing whatever they have in mind to do. They need to be taught to communicate.

Sometimes distraction will excite these kids, so they need to be taught to use their will to concentrate on the task at hand.

They have a surprising lack of respect for authority—especially strong-willed authority. They are also especially sensitive to unfair tactics.

Along with that, they can be callused. By that, I mean that they act as if they really don't care if other people are inconvenienced or not. They need to be taught about the advantages of caring what happens to the people around them. My granddaughter is coming out of a phase where she doesn't hug me back when I hold her and she doesn't kiss my check after I kiss her cheek. When I first talked to her about it, she shrugged her shoulders and frowned. My closing statement was, "when you don't kiss me back, then I don't want to kiss you at all because it is a one-way street. It is your choice. If you want me to kiss you and be close to you, then I want something back from you. If you don't want me to kiss and hug you, then that's the way it will be." The next day she was very responsive and has been since.

They challenge those around them to pay attention to them in some way. This can be in fun, shared activities or arguing. They will find a way to get attention. These kids' sense of humor is delightful, but very different—check it out next time you are with a strong-willed child. And their creativity is remarkable. It is beautiful and needs to be cultivated. They are demanding, which is another word for controlling. They demand attention, they demand time, they demand anything they want. They need to be taught the word "No" and appropriate self-care.

These kids have other highly developed abilities. They may be telepathic, clairvoyant, clairaudient or clairsentient. Pay attention to the strong-willed children you know. They will seldom talk about these abilities, but you can do informal assessments of them. Stubbornness is an old word, but one that certainly applies to these children.

And last, they do crave love and acceptance. Often, parents and teachers will challenge these kids with their own strong will rather than lovingly encouraging them. There is a fine line to walk on this, but there are ways to communicate with them.

Tasks For Parents Of Strong-Willed Children

1. Staying centered is the best tool we have for living with strong-willed children. At the end, I show you an exercise in "living psychosynthetically."

2. Let the child know in every way possible how much you care.

3. Develop your own strong, skillful and transpersonal will, including the quality of wisdom.

4. Engage as a whole person to keep out of traps.

5. Be age appropriate—that is, your own age rather than a "buddy" for the child.

6. Simplifying life makes a big difference with these kids. Thirty minutes of television a day is the most any child should watch, preferably two hours a week.

7. At the same time, provide creative tools for them to exercise their own imaginations.

8. Ask them thinking questions to help them develop their inner resources.

9. Recognize their will, their love and their abilities. This increases their self-esteem. Teach them to recognize their will, their love, and their abilities.

10. Set limits on inappropriate behavior—this is so important. "Time-outs" work best when the child is set down in the same room as the parent with the child's eyes closed for an appropriate time. Sending a strong-willed child into another room doesn't work as well. It doesn't matter if the parent is working or reading or talking on the telephone. The main thing is that the child knows she is not abandoned during this time.

Going over the consequences of choices is important for these children. They need to feel as if they are in charge of their lives. Giving them reasons for different behaviors and leaving the choice up to them helps this. Of course, if they choose to behave poorly, the consequences need to be set in place.

Develop a community of people with similar values to create a "village" for the child. This should include neighbors, teachers, friends, a counselor and physician.

Being your child's advocate in school and the community makes life simpler with these children. Believe in your child.

Be open to and determine their extra gifts. Seek help if you don't know how to do this.

Respecting choices is another way to make life easier with these kids. The more situations in which they can choose, the better off they are. At the same time, there needs to be a limit to the number of choices you offer them. Children under twelve can manage two options easily. After twelve, they can learn to handle three options.

Here are things you can do for your strong-willed child and say to her to let her know how much you love her. Read through these and memorize them. You may feel as if you are a broken record saying them over and over, but with all the other things these kids are exposed to with television, friends, radio, newspapers, books, you need to keep reminding them that they are important to you. These messages have been used in family therapy programs in the United States for thirty years with excellent results.

Ways of Showing Love to Your Strong-Willed Child

Love yourself and your partner. Say one kind thing to yourself every day. Say at least one kind thing to each other every day. This is essential for your child's wellbeing.
Say over and over and over again, "I love you so much." This is the basic message they must hear and understand and know. Even if that tall son of yours shrugs you off and says, "Aw, Mom," keep saying it—privately—at bedtime—in the car when you are driving your kids to piano lessons or football practice. It helps if you touch them gently when you say it, too.
Other valuable messages:

"I'm glad you are here."

"I'm glad you are part of our family."

"I'm glad you are in my life."

"I'm glad you are my son."

"I'm glad you are a boy."

"I'm glad you are my daughter."

"I'm glad you are a girl."

"It's OK to make mistakes and learn from them."

"It's OK for you to do things your own way."

"You can say what you feel and be powerful at the same time."
This is especially important for girls to know, since they feel vulnerable whenever their feelings are involved.
"It's OK for you to have friends and bring them home."

"It's OK to say "no" and mean it."

"You can learn how to set limits and be kind."

"You don't have to be like other kids."

"You can be yourself—feel your own feelings, have your own wants, think your own thoughts and do things your own way."

Limit television/movies/videos to two hours a week or less.
Monitor computer use—nonstop use is unhealthy.
Limit inappropriate behaviors. Be firm, consistent.
Play family games—cards, board games such as Chess, checkers, Clue, Monopoly.
Engage in outdoor activities such as throwing Frisbees, swimming, hiking, and bird watching.
Create a community of families with strong-willed kids and loving parents.
Find out your child's passion and help him/her do it.
Talk about and listen to appropriate music. (Read Mozart Effect by Don Campbell.)

And here are two formulas for dealing with conflict in ways that respect the child's choices. They must be used exactly as written with a calm tone of voice for them to work. I've given you some examples there, but if you have questions, I'll be glad to talk to you.

Getting Through Conflict With Your Strong-Willed Child

When having conflicts with your child, there are two "formulas" for talking to them that give them together their thoughts and feelings.

Say these with the exact words in a matter-of-fact way to be effective.

1. When you ____________________________ (describe the problem behavior), then I feel ________________________________ (describe your feelings, such as anger, sadness, fear, guilt) and want to _______________________________________________ (describe what you feel like doing). Is that what you want?

Wait for the answer. (Usually, "no.")

Then, what will you do differently? (Get an agreement and finish with hugs.)

Example: "When you interrupt me and demand that I do something for you, then I get angry and don't want to talk with you at all. Is that what you want? [Usually, "no."] What will you do differently, then?"

2. You want me to ____________________________________ (describe the request, demand or child's want). In order for me to do that, I need for you to ___________________________________ (describe your request). Are you willing to do that? If not, then how will we work this out?

Example: "You want me to let you wear fashionable clothes. In order for me to go along with that, I need for you to agree to my standards too. Are you willing to do that?" [Then list your standards and come to agreement on each one.]

Strong-willed children are the foundation and cornerstone of our future. Let us respect and teach them to be the best they can be.

And now, here is an exercise of how to Live Psychosynthetically. This is a term coined by Assagioli and we corresponded about it in 1973 before he died. It has taken me this long to learn what he meant and begin teaching it.

First, empty your hands and stand up so you are not holding anything. Now, most of you have used the disidentification exercise enough so you know how to move immediately to identification with the Self. Do that now—close your eyes or leave them open—simply identify with the Self, extending from above your head into the earth beneath you feet. Take your time if you are not used to this, and know you needn't spend all day on it—or even more than five minutes. Simply do it.

Now, since most of you are identified with the Self, open your eyes and take a step, still remaining identified with the Self. Hesitate, if need be, and reconnect with the Self. Take another step and experience being identified with the Self at the same time. And another step. Now, turn to someone else near you, all the time staying in contact with the Self. Greet that person while you are connected with the Self. Honor that person's Self and step back, all the time staying identified with the Self. You can stay this way all day if you like. It is a wonderfully useful way to Be. Especially with strong-willed children.

NOTE: You can download (right-click on the link and choose "Save") and print out a WORD document on living with strong-willed children to help you with your strong-willed child. It contains the following pages as contained in this web page:

Characteristics of Strong-Willed Children
Tasks For Parents Of Strong-Willed Children
Ways of Showing Love to Your Strong-Willed Child
Getting Through Conflict With Your Strong-Willed Child

RESOURCES

Assagioli, Roberto. The Act of Will. New York: Viking Press, 1973.
Campbell, Don. Mozart Effect. New York: Avon Books, Inc., 1997.
Chess, Stella, and Thomas, Alexander. Know Your Child: An Authoritarian Guide for Today's Parents. New York: Basic Books, 1987.
Clarke, Jean Illsley. Self Esteem is a Family Affair. Minneapolis, MN: Winston Press, 1978.
Clarke, Jean Illsley and Dawson, Connie. Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation, 1989.
Tobias, Cynthia Ulrich. "You Can't Make Me" [But I can be persuaded]. Colorado Springs, Colorado: WaterBrook Press, division of Random House, Inc., 1999.
Val-Essen, Ilene. Bring Out the BEST in your child and yourself. Culver City, California: Quality Parenting, 1997.

-- From a presentation at the International Psychosynthesis Conference, Bologna, Italy, June 18-23, 2000.

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